I have as much authority as the Pope, i just don't have as many people who believe it. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Did Noah include termites on the ark? It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one. Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off. I would love to insult you... but that would be beyond the level of your intelligence. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend" is that little space in between we call the "Friend Zone". Boy : I have a pen you have a phone number. Think of the possibilities. Girl : I have a sandal you have a face. Think of Casualties. Are you a Nice girl or Good girl?: NICE girls blush when they watch porn, GOOD girls smile cause they know they can do better. Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous, good-looking, nice friends, charming, funny, well...Enough about ME! How about you? Why do only 20 percent of blonde chicks lay Easter eggs? The rest are hunting peckers. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables. I love my FedEx guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it — and he's always on time. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute? The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack. Sleep is my drug….my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police. If you got tired of living, don't share your thoughts with all your friends – they might not give you a chance to change your mind… Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it. You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera. I don't think you act stupid, I'm sure it's the real thing. Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realising the other person was born an idiot. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic! How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole. If I promise to miss you, will you go away? Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone. Did you get those yoga pants on sale? Because at my house they're 100% off, You still use Internet Explorer? You must like it nice and slow. My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer. Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself! A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home. My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk. I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night. I named my hard drive "dat ass" so once a month my computer asks if I want to 'back dat ass up'. I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect". A clean house is the sign of a broken computer. My New Years resolution is 1080p. Computer does what you command him to do but not what you want from him. It's ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too. If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer ...oh wait, he does. Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? Never break someone's heart because they have only one inside...break their bones because they have 206 of them. Life is a comedy for those who think, but a tragedy for those who feel.

“You only live once and life is meant to be enjoyed!” If there’s one thing I’m sure of is that true contentment and pleasure can only be found within the discomfort zone. You don’t achieve true happiness and fulfillment right away. It’s too precious to happen to anyone at any time. What you need to do first is embrace the chaos so that eventually you come to the peace. Staying within your comfort zone seems enjoyable on the surface and that’s why most of the people never leave that perilous area. However, once you step into the unknown and do something you never did before, you realize you’ve been off base with that assumption. It seems that staying within your comfort zone means not risking anything. In reality, however, you risk the invaluable resource which time is. You risk wasting your whole life and missing out on the incredible taste of outstanding achievement. Please, don’t do it to yourself.